Explain That to a Martian 2 Page 3

moment.

  Boy, it was ugly! It was lying in the broken shell it had smashed its way out of. There was quite a bit of mess on my settee, as you can imagine. But all the Martians were staring at the new arrival as if a miracle had happened. Had happened? Here. Right here in my bloody lounge, a miracle had most definitely happened. A Martian, the first, as far as I know, had been born on Earth. On Earth, in my lounge, on my settee.

  It was pink. Don't ask what shade; I wouldn't have a clue. Some sort of pink. I guess the ghastly yellow green colour doesn't kick in until later. Sally picked it up. She sat on the settee, carefully avoiding the puddle of mess, and...

  Have you ever seen a woman breastfeed? Well, neither have I. I could swear there were no nipples on Sally before this moment. But out one popped. She picked up the baby, and on it latched. It was a piece of magic in the making. I grabbed my phone and took a picture.

  'Gotta go, Gotta Pee,' said Joe.

  'Yeah. I know. Our air stinks.'

  'Been nice to seeing you.'

  'Likewise.'

  They were about to vanish. To be honest, I was exhausted and quite relieved.

  'Gotta Pee?'

  'Yes?'

  'Can we name baby after you?'

  'What? You want to name your baby Gotta Pee?'

  'Be great honour for us. You world famous on Mars.'

  'Okay, sure.'

  There was much waving of tentacles, and the Martian family, with little Gotta Pee firmly latched onto Sally's teat, simply vanished.

  'Hey. Are you okay?'

  'Hmm?' I must have dosed off. 'Pamela. Sorry.'

  'What is that smell in the kitchen?'

  'Hmm? Smell? I must have been peckish.'

  Monster came to me and jumped on my lap. The damn cat let me stroke him. Go figure.

  'What's that smell?' She looked at the settee. 'And who did this?'

  'I think Monster threw up somebody he'd eaten earlier.' It was the best I could do.

  'Come on, you. It's three in the morning.'

  'It always is,' I said, not really knowing why. I picked up Monster, happy and content in my arms. Lovely cat. Can't think why we call him Monster. We went to bed and slept like logs, Monster fast asleep on top of me. Next morning, I noticed two things were missing. Work this one out. My booze had vanished and even stranger, the brown sauce had gone. Something had happened last night, but I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. It was a few days later I checked my phone. There was this picture on it, one I don't remember taking. And I had this weird feeling, that somewhere on Mars is an ugly kid named Gotta Pee.